15> Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis, Jr.14> Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the "Quiet Please" sign.13> Recommends Kato Kaelin's book.12> Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.11> Library only has two sections: "Limbaugh" and "Liddy."10> Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray's Anatomy. 9> When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar. 8> Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the "Rod of Literary Tardiness". 7> Files Art Buchwald under "Humor" 6> Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot. 5> No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip. 4> Uses the "Dewer's Decimal System", which involves regular belts of scotch. 3> Instead of a simple "Shhhh", uses a bullhorn to say, "One more sound and I cap yo' ass!" 2> Flashes patrons and yells, "Hey! Check *this* out!" 1> Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear.
Monday, April 29, 2013
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