15 Signs Your Librarian is Nuts

15> Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis, Jr.14> Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the "Quiet Please" sign.13> Recommends Kato Kaelin's book.12> Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.11> Library only has two sections: "Limbaugh" and "Liddy."10> Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray's Anatomy. 9> When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar. 8> Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the "Rod of Literary Tardiness". 7> Files Art Buchwald under "Humor" 6> Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot. 5> No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip. 4> Uses the "Dewer's Decimal System", which involves regular belts of scotch. 3> Instead of a simple "Shhhh", uses a bullhorn to say, "One more sound and I cap yo' ass!" 2> Flashes patrons and yells, "Hey! Check *this* out!" 1> Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear.

Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's

22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to you bookmarks19. You have a ''to do list'' that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week 6. You think that ''progressing an action plan'' and ''calendarizing a project'' are acceptable English phrases 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors 4. You ask your friends to ''think out of the box'' when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a ''half-day'' means leaving at 5 o'clock1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person

Not Too Bright...

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.


• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.


• She's from the shallow end of the gene pool.


• A room temperature IQ.


• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.


• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.


• A prime candidate for natural deselection.


• Bright as Alaska in December.


• Nearly as bright as a one celled organism.


• Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.


• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.


• He's so dense, light bends around him.


• If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.


• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.


• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.


• If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.


• One neuron short of a synapse.


• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she just gargled.


• Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".


• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.


• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

The Top 15 Backhanded Compliments (Part I)

15> "I can't believe you can fit into such a small Speedo, Bob!"

14> "Most guys think they *have* to have a cool car -- but not you."

13> "A bright red mini-dress! You really have tons of confidence in your inner beauty."

12> "You really make me feel intelligent -- especially when you talk."

11> "Look at how much weight you've lost! That dress didn't fit you nearly as well at that last wedding you wore it to."

10> "Not only do you dance surprisingly well, you *smell* better than most ugly chicks."

9> "Great sermon, Father! That loud part at the end was a real wake-up call!"

8> "Wow! For a first-time sexual encounter, that was refreshingly speedy!"

7> "Now, now, it's just as important to stay behind and guard the women and children."

6> "It's nice that you can wear tight jeans without that unsightly bulge in the crotch that most men have."

5> "I've never seen a man chug so many chardonnays."

4> "No, really -- compared to Grenada, Afghanistan and Somalia, you Iraqi Army guys kick *ass.*"

3> "What I like about your toupee is it says, 'Hey, I have better things to spend my money on!'"

2> "You have 10 cats?!? Wow, it only smells like three or four."

1> "Okay, let's try it. One that size can't possibly be painful."

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Galaxy-4 Satellite Malfunction

The Top 17 Other Effects of the Galaxy 4 Satellite Malfunction 17 With nowhere else to go, radio signals converge on Don King's hair. 16 Tamagotchis the world over die a slow, horrible death. 15 Worldwide headaches when everyone's metal dental fillings receive the signals from Gilbert Gottfried's cell phone. 14 Phoneless George Steinbrenner left unable to fire Joe Torre when the Yankees trailed in the third. 13 Ross Perot and Newt Gingrich stricken with terror while temporarily out of touch with the mothership. 12 Fortune Cookie Effect: words 'in bed' added to end of all text messages. 11 Their cellular phones useless, denizens of Los Angeles experience the quaint charm of eating their lunch with both hands. 10 Dennis Rodman tentatively removes tinfoil cap and crawls out from under the woodpile. 9 Cher's face snaps and rolls up like a cheap paper window shade. 8 After several days of no pages from the maitre de, the not-too-swift 'Wilson, party of four' still waits a block away from restaurant and, boy, are they hungry. 7 Young girls everywhere panic as Tiger Beat magazine temporarily loses track of Leonardo DiCaprio. 6 'This is Xyctlinor of Reanus IV. Did someone at this number page me?' 5 Iraqi spy 'Intern-bots' in the White House go on the fritz and begin offering themselves to Sam Donaldson. 4 All the crazies on New York streets stop receiving their mind control signals from the CIA, rejoin society and head straight for Starbucks. 3 Five top Hollywood agents died in horrible phone cord accidents. 2 Drug dealers resort to cruising neighborhoods in their primered Buick Regals, playing distorted rap versions of 'The Entertainer.' 1 Millions of Hanson fans, momentarily freed from mind control, realize in unison that they've wasted their allowance.

Signs You're Really Broke

• American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"


• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.


• You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.


• You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.


• Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.


• Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.


• You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.


• You receive care packages from Europe.


• Your bologna has no first name.


• You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.


• You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.


• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.


• You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.


• McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.


• Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."


• The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

The Top 15 Dishes Containing Condoms (R-rated version)

15> Porked Loins

14> McRibbed Sandwich

13> Sheath Bars

12> Chicken Trojanzini

11> Rack of Lambskin

10> Glove 'n' Roasted Chicken

9> Chili Con Carnal

8> "The Wilt Chamberlain" sandwich at the Carnegie Deli

7> Pheasant Under Glans

6> Condomleezza Rice

5> Safe Sexchuan Chicken

4> Creme Booyeah

3> Veal Scumbagini

2> Quiche Lorraincoat

1> Newman's Own Chowder [tm]

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

The Top 12 Fashion Tips From TopFive Contributors

12> Argyle condoms are too "busy."

11> Black suits are slimming. White suits bring out skin tone. Day-Glo prison jump suits are free from the state.

10> Damn, man... Close your robe.

9> Diagonal chainlink? Klingon! Horizontal chainlink? Just makes you look tubby.

8> Douse all garments in grape juice and pizza sauce upon purchase. Get it over with.

7> Dressing in colors that match your cubicle can render you invisible to your boss.

6> Emulating film and music stars is usually considered chic, but take my word for it -- trying to duplicate Jennifer Lopez's ass is just... not... worth it.

5> Sure, a tight black sweater looks good *now*, but what's it going to look like after the milk shoots out your nose?

4> "Days of the Week" underpants are a double-edged sword.

3> A T-shirt covered in vomit is always cleaner on the inside.

2> Plaid goes with everything; everything goes with plaid.

1> You will never wet your underwear if you do not wear underwear.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]