One day, a man named Chad walked on to the set of a porn movie that was being filmed. He went up to a man named Will (one of the pornstars in the movie) and said, "I bet you $1,000 that my job is 50 times better than yours." Will then said, "I've got the best job in the world. I get to fuck beautiful women everyday. Of course I'll take your bet." Will then followed Chad around all day watching him do his job. At the end of the day, Chad asked Will, "Who's got the best job in the whole damn world now?" Will then said, " You were right. Your job is 50 times better than mine is. Here is your money." Will then gave Chad the $1,000 and went home. The end.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
DROOL
WHAT DOES THE AVERAGE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
STUDENT GET ON HIS S.A.T.?????????????
DROOL!!!!!!
Knock KnockWho's there?Taipei!Taipei who?Taipei sixty
Knock KnockWho's there?Taipei!Taipei who?Taipei sixty words a minute is pretty fast!
Q: How many rec.humor
Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for not doing it in rec.humor.d.
Pastys
There once was a cornish pasty on one side of the road.On the other side of the road was another pasty.the cornish pasty says to the other pasty "hello jimmy!" The other pasty says"me names not jimmy stupid its beefy"
Wink Wink
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a
sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks
over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated
from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and
your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without
a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly
visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking
will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire
you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins
pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms,
ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he
finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills,
and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but
this is a respectable company, and we will not have our
employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy,
winking, and asked for aspirin?"
Holyfield-Tyson III
Have you heard that Holyfield-Tyson III is going to be held in Tennessee?
Don King's calling it the Chattanooga Chew Chew.
Drunken Stupa
There is man sitting in a bar who is really, really drunk. When
the bar closes he gets up to go home.
He stumbles and falls couple of times and finally manages to get
out of he door. As he gathers himself, he sees a nun passing by.
He stumbles over to her and starts punching her in the face.
The nun is shocked beyond belief, but before she could say
anything, he leans over and punches her again. This time the nun
hits the pavement. The drunk stumbles over to her, kicks her in
the butt, picks her up and throws her against the wall.
By now the nun is very weak and can barely move. He leans over
her, grabbing her by the collar of her habit and says, "Not
feeling too strong tonight, are you, Batman!"
Singing
one day mrs. flatnose was getting ready for work when all of a sudden she heard a high piched voice singing when so she went up stairs to see what it was when she got up there she only saw her cat mrs.kitten so then she went back down then she heard it again so she went up then there is the kitty just sitting there so she picks up the kitty and says with a smile do you know who was singing that the kitten smiles.she gaspes with fear she falls and faints the kitty sings some xmas songs as she laid there
the end
Letter from Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame
in Washington, DC.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was
not wise to place it beside George Washington who never told a lie, nor
beside Jesse Jackson who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could
never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest
democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know
where he was, he returned not knowing where he had been, and he did it all
on borrowed money.
5,000 years ago Moses said, "Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move
your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land."
5,000 years later FDR said, "Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light
up a camel for this is the promised land."
This year Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the
price of camels, and mortgage the promised land. If you are one of the
fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a
generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Hillary and...
Q: What does Hillary Clinton and Tampons have in common?
A: "They are both stuck-up cunts!"
Sloganis Veritas
ABC "America's Mickey Mouse Network"
Allstate "Sears-ious Insurance"
AOL "We've Got You by the Wires"
AT&T "No, WE'VE Got You by the Wires"
Burger King "Wait for It Your Way"
CBS "Welcome Home. Hey, Where the Hell Is Everyone?"
Chevrolet "GEO Whiz, We Like Toyota"
Chrysler "The Mercedes-Benz of American Cars"
Coca-Cola "New Coke Was Pepsi's Idea"
Democratic National Party "Bill Clinton? Never Heard of Him"
Disney "Available in Stores for a Limited Time Only"
Eveready "Nothing Really Keeps on Going Forever"
Ford "Quality is Somebody Else's Job"
Ernest & Julio Gallo: "We Will Have No Hangover before Its Time"
General Electric "We're a Lot Like RCA"
Honda "Just As Good As Hyundai. Really"
IBM "Windows Is Just a Fad"
JERZEES "Fit to a T"
KIA "Killed in Action?"
Little Debbie Snackcakes "Our Name Says It All"
L'Oreal "I'm Worth It, and What's It To Ya?"
Maytag "The Fix Is On"
McDonald's "Did Somebody Say Cholesterol?"
Microsoft "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"
NBC "Formerly Known As Must See TV"
Nike "Just Do It and Get Arrested"
Norelco "Running Circles around Blades"
Old Navy "Can You Ever Forgive Us?"
Oscar Meyer "We Are NOT about Spelling"
Pepsi-Cola "That Clear Crap Was Coke's Idea"
Pizza Hut "Nobody Beats Our Meat Lovers Special"
?Que Pasa? "Not Really a Name Brand"
RCA "Going to the Dogs"
Republican National Party "The Potatoe People"
Sony "We Just Can't Top the Walkman"
Sprite "Obey Our Ads"
Seven-Up "Up Yours, Cola Bastards"
Subway "We Are Not Public Transportation, Dammit"
Toyota "Slightly Better Than Hyundai"
Unicorns "Sorry We Missed the Ark"
Volkswagen "Buyers Wanted. Hey, We're Dying Out Here"
Whirlpool "Not Nearly As Wet As We Sound"
Xerox "The Original Copycats"
Young Again "We Wish"
Zebra "Sort of Like a Black and White Striped Horse"
Zerox "See Us at Xerox"
Camoflauge Clothing
There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant."It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned."Get my brown pants."
Slightly Less Common Latin Phrases
Die dulci fruere. Have a nice day.
Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi. Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.
Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes! If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!
Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin.
Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! Don't you dare erase my hard disk!
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad aput tuum saxum immane mittam. I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.
Gramen artificiosum odi. I hate Astroturf.
Furnulum pani nolo. I don't want a toaster.
Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me.
Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione. I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.
Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Don't call me, I'll call you.
Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules. If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.
Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it.
Illiud Latine dici non potest. You can't say that in Latin.
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? Seen any good movies lately?
Nullo metro compositum est. It doesn't rhyme.
Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema. I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.
Fac ut gaudeam. Make my day.
Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur! Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!
Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio. Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.
Re vera, potas bene. Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! May barbarians invade your personal space!
Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant! May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!
Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant! May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!
Radix lecti Couch potato
Shampoo
How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "rinse and repeat".
Scottsman at a baseball game
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
Pull Lever - End World!
A road crew is making a giant freeway, when they come across a sign and a lever. The sign reads "pull lever and end world". The workers decide not to pull the lever just in case.
One night, a man named Nate is driving home. He is very drunk and is just about to hit the lever when he flies off of the road and explodes.
The headlines in the newspaper the next day all read... "better Nate than Lever"!
Very Short Lists
Very Short Lists:
1) List of Golf Courses that do not allow Doctors
2) List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran
3) List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery
4) List of Hospitals with Drive-Thru window Service
5) List of Home cures for Ebola Virus
6) List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
7) List of Catholic Abortion referral services
8) List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's
9) List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
10) List of Men's Rape assistant groups
11) List of Battered Men's Help Groups
12) List of Cuban registered voters
13) List of Libyan registered women voters
14) List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers
15) List of Libyan women lawyers
16) List of Libyan women with PHD's
17) List of Libyan Women Service Clubs
18) List of interstate Highways with no Numbers
19) List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut
20) List of People who have survived going over Niagara Falls
21) List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy
22) List of People who can whistle while drinking beer
23) List of Pregnant Men
24) List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time
25) List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games
26) List of Women who can out shoot, & skate Wayne Gregskey
27) List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings
28) List of Blind Licensed Drivers in Calif.
29) List of Midgets over 6 foot tall
30) List of living trees made of plastic
Don't smile!!!
There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession.
Upon entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said "NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited bu Glaci
Nude Mowing
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Submitted by Curtis
Who Needs A Husband?
Who needs a man!...
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
What can she do that
Gregory finally found the nerve to tell his fianc�e that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman."Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked between sobs."Not on her best day," he replied."Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?""No, she's broke.""Well, then, is it sex?""Nobody does it like you, babe.""Then what can she do that I can't?""Sue me for child support."
Star Trek Carols
Star Trek Carols
Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of ''Let It Snow'')
Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
But still we must boldly go--
Make it so, make it so, make it so!
William Riker: (to the tune of ''Deck the Halls'')
Here's a vexing Christmas riddle:
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
How can I impress Deanna
(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When I'm number two banana?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of ''God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen'')
I'm at Starfleet Academy,
And I'd just like to say
I miss the opportunity
To weekly save the day--
To make things worse, I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes, I'm bright, though I'm just a teenaged boy,
Only a boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!
Data: (to the tune of ''Jingle Bells'')
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh--
or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective
and intuitively perceived referent for the term ''fun,''
I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the--
yes, sir.
Worf: (to be to the tune of ''White Christmas'')
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled,
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
They all think they've hidden,
But this one didn't,
And I'm using him as bait.
I'm dreaming of a dead Pakled--
Their mental skills are rather lame.
May your foes die sonless, in shame--
And I hope you're wishing me the same!
Top 10 Rejected Kid's Video Games
"Mommy, mommy! look at all those $2 video games at the back of
K-Mart! Can you get me some?" The voice of an innocent child who
does not know what he is getting himself into. He has entered...
The Reject Zone!
Here are some rejects for your viewing pleasure. Heehee!
10. Barney goes through puberty (and i always thought he was
hairless!)
9. Drunk airplane pilot 4: descent (bubba ain't done with his
damn 40 yet!)
8. Dungeon Peeper (you hornball, you!)
7. Sonic the Hedgehog discovers how to use a gun (finaly! i'm
sick of his damn non-violent actions! blood, gore, blood
gore!!!! oh um, excuse me, got a little carried away there)
6. Mario and the evil hermaphrodite colony from venus (oooooh! a
new definition of masturbation!)
5. How to masturbate for dummies (yes, yes, i know, you learned
the hard way)
4. Sim amoeba (look at those germs go!)
3. The Tellitubbies disover they're gay (i knew all along)
2. Whorehouse raid (lookin' for a good time, sailor?)
And finally,
1. Barbie misses her period (a classic)
Personally, my favorite is Dungeon Peeper (very graphic). But
don't take my word for it! Waste your own money on these
wonderfully explicit, cheap, (and fake) games!
When Hell freezes
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was waiting for him.
After reviewing his records, Saint Pete decided to let him in.
"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.
After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys.
That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.
Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, you'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him.
Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.
Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up.
The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him.
Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.
A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava.
In one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.
"Why is it so god damn cold down here?" Pete asks.
"Well, you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
The Truth!
Q: What is the REAL reason men love blowjobs so much?
A: Women can't talk and suck at the same time!
Hillary's High School Boyfriend
Bill and Hillary were driving through Little Rock, and when they
passd by a gas station a big man yelled, "Hi Hillary." And
Hillary said, "Hi Bubba." Bill asked, "Who was that?" And
Hillary told him it was a old high school boyfriend. Bill said,
"See if you married him you would be married to a gas station
attendant, but you married me now you're the first lady." And
Hillary told him, "If I married him he would be the president,
and you would be the gas station attendant."
New to the country
A man who had just moved out to the country decides to start a farm. He goes to one nearby farmer and asks to buy a chicken from him.
The farmer tells the man that they don't call them chickens here, "We say pullets."
Then the man selects a donkey. The farmer says, "We don't call them donkeys. Here we say, asses. And, by the way, if he ever stops on you, why just hit him a few times."
Then the man asks for one more animal. He asked for a rooster.
The farmer says, "We also have a slang name for them. We call them cocks."
The man was walking home, down the road with his three new animals, when all of a sudden the donkey stops in the middle of the road.
A woman is also walking down the street and he asks her if she will do a favor for him.
She says, "Sure, what do you need?"
The man replies, "Can you hold my cock and pullet... while I slap my ass?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
Erotic sex or kinky sex?
What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken
Exxon/Mobil deal
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the
latest mergers we can expect to see:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace
Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3. 3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
4. John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
5. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to
become Zip Audi Do Da.
6. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
7. Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All
Mine.
8. Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to
become Knott NOW.
Now he's in trouble
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said, "what's the problem officer?"To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you." Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice, "I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."The man then turned to his wife and yelled "Shut up stupid!" The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30." His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way?"To which the woman responed, "Only when he has been drinking."
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