Mrs santa

what did mrs clause say to mr clause dont go out in that raindeer

A boy writes home hinting that he needs money

Dear Father,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love,Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.Love,Dad

Class Picture

A teacher had been after her pupils to bring in their 2 dollars for the class picture.

Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said, "Class, think how much you're going to treasure this picture 25 years from now. You will pull it out and say, 'There's my friend, Julie. She's a lawyer now. There's my friend Robert. He's a doctor'"

Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, "And there's my teacher. She's dead."

Unlit match

A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new.
"An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, "More like an unlit match."

A treatise on money and power

After applying some simple algebra to some common phrases and cliches, a new understanding can be reached of the secret of wealth and success.

Here it goes.

(K)nowledge is (P)ower
(T)ime is (M)oney, and as every engineer knows,
(P)ower is (W)ork over (T)ime.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time-worn bits of wisdom, we get:

K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)

Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:

K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do,
and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.

Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

W = M x K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

Pharmicist

A college couple had been dating for about 6 months. One day in the cafeteria
they are having lunch. After beating around the bush for a few minutes, the
boyfriend expresses that he's interested in going "all the way". The girlfriend
excalaims that she has been wanting to also but was unsure on how to address the
issue. After several more minutes of small talk, the girlfriend says she is
willing to finally consumate their relationship, but that the boyfriend must
first meet her parents and bring protection. He agrees and accepts her
invitation to dinner at her house that evening. The boyfriend proceeds directly
to the pharmacy after his last class and walks directly to the condom aisle.
Upon reaching said aisle, he is quickly overwhelmed by the seemingly endless
variety and begins to scratch his head in indecision. Seeing this from behind
the counter, the Pharmacist proceeds the boyfriends location and asks him of his
quandry. After a moment of verbal stammering, he explains to the pharmicist that
it's his first time buying condoms and he's not sure what kind to buy, but that
he needs a lot of them as he and she are going to make a marathon night of it.
The pharmicist chuckles, hands him a "bonus pack" of the most popular brand, and
sends the boyfriend on his way. A few hours pass as the boyfriend feverishly
prepares for the night he's hoping will make him into a man. Finally the moment
of truth arrives as he arrives at his quarrys abode, with not a hair out of
place and a bilfold full of condoms, he nervously rings the doorbell. After what
seems a small eternity, his girlfriend answers the door and with a passionate
kiss invites him throught the portal. He graciously accepts and enters to meet
her parents waiting in the foyer. Gretting are extended before all are ushered
into the formal dining room for the evening meal. Upon sitting down, the
girlfriend invites her extremely nervous and uncomfortable boyfriend to say
Grace before dinner is served. The boyfriend eagerly accepts and commences with
the longest, most religious, heartfelt prayer in all of history. At the end of
the prayer, the girlfriend exclaims "I had no idea you were so religious". The
boyfriend sweating from his labor exlaims in turn "I had no idea your father was
a pharmicist"!

Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

You might be a college student if . . .

22. If your idea of "doing your hair" is putting on a baseball cap

An Englishman, Frenchman, Texan, and a Mexican. . .

An Englishman, Frenchman, Texan, and Mexican are flying on a small plane with their friends. Near the end of the flight, they notice two engines catch fire.The pilot comes out and says, "One of our engines caught fire, and we need to have three people jump in order to save the rest of the passengers.The Englishman stands up, yells, "Long live the queen!", and jumps out.The Frenchman stands up, yells, "Viva la France!", and jumps out.The Mexican stands up, and looks out of the door, considering jumping, when the Texan pushes him out, and yells, "Remember the Alamo!"

Top 10 reasons for being German

1. You have to fill in at least ten application forms to get the formayou really wanted at any government institution.2. Being a notorious tree-hugger, you can make every Americanenvironmentalist look like some back-door ecology pig.3. You belong to the only people on the world that lets its dailypolicy be influenced by the deeds of some madman some sixty years ago.4. No matter what you do, the international press will either call youa warmonger, a Nazi or a wanna-be-Napoleon.5. good beer6. good food7. Tradition (not to be confused with that blood-and-honour-crap theNazis believed in)8. Autobahnen (motorways) without speed limit9. Mercedes10. In-built sense of pacifism (true !)

One Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

You might be a college student if . . .

10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).

10 Things To Do At School When Bored....

1. Take off your socks, and make hand puppets. When asked a question throw
your hand up and answer through your socks. Have one puppet accuse the other of
having the wrong answer, and let them argue.

2. Take spare gum out from under your desk and mold a statue of one of your
classmates. Try to sell it to them.

3. Mimic your classmate's facial expressions. If they notice, keep doing it
until they get mad. If they get mad, keep doing it until they make a scene. If
they make a scene, raise your hand and complain that he/she is distracting you.

4. March into the classroom yelling, "Hut, two three, four." Take role call in
your best General voice. If they don't answer say, "I saaaid, (Name of
classmate)" Keep doing so until answered.

5. Bring in a fishing pole and try to "catch" your teacher. Keep saying things
like, "The last one got away," or, "Get the net, It's a big one!"

6. Make up the corniest joke you can and announce it to the teacher. Example:
Do you think that if Mexico and Texas ever got together, they would call it
"Texaco?"

7. Get out a comb and part your hair down the middle, going all the way down
the back. Borrow a pair of glasses and put them on backwards. Sit in the chair
backwards with your arms behind you, on the desk. If no one notices wait about 5
minutes then scream, "That Stupid Chiropractor!"

8. Get a pair of 3-d glasses. Wobble around while walking and keep yelling,
"Whoah, that looked so real!"

9. Start a debate on (pick a subject such as whose cooler, best color of
shoes, smart or dumb, etc.) Get a representative from each side. Have those two
debate, explaining pros and cons, get the teacher, and say, "All I said was
'those are neat shoes' and then this happened!"

10. Bring in a dog and dress it in your clothes, sit it in your seat, and talk
for it. Hide somewhere in the classroom before your teacher comes in. Try to
pass him off as you, while occasionaly mumbling, "I should have never mixed in
that citric acid."

Six hours

Did you hear about the Penn State professor who went around in a revolving
door for six hours because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or
coming out?

FUN THINGS TO DO ON FIRST DAY OF CLASS

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp
points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the
middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an
episode of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says
no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your
intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh,
no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your
lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your
name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and
snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.
Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in
ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

Size Matters

Here's the story: I'm in McDonald's, I ask for a medium coke. I'm told, "We
don't have medium." I say, "Fine, what do you have?" The braniac at the counter
says, "We only have small, large, and supersize." I give him a stupid look and
say, "Just give me the one in the middle."

There's Always a Solution

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.

They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.

Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir. . .," the manager said, ". . .and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Broke my heart

I know you think you broke my heart but I knew your game from the start I saw your game and played it too stupid ass playa the jokes on you