Baking bread

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana.

Instructions:

1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.

2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.

3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.

4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.

5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!

6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but, "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Holy Water

One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory
to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.

boatin

First boat attendant: "Boat 99, come in please, your time is up." Second boat attendant: "Dont be silly Jim, we've only got eighty boats." First boat attendant: "Boat 66 are you in trouble."

Loving the Teacher

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?""I'm in love," the boy replied.Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?""With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child.""Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

Biggest Sex Life Lie

A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.
"Evening, boys. What are you doing?"

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell
the biggest lie about his sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I
never thought about sex at all."

The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"

Lord, forgive me...

Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do
==========================================

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police
raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer
said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me
for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said,
"No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you
gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No,
officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein,
were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

T-Shirt Slogans 2001

T-Shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With
That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been
Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already
taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go
on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through
with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime
ommitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup
team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God, and I didn't."

Un tipo va visitar a

Un tipo va visitar a un amigo y al llegar encuentra una multitud de gente en la casa.

"� Qu� pasa, Gregorio?"

"Muri� mi suegra".

"�C�mo fue?"

"Tengo un perro Pitbull Terrier, y en un descuido se le lanz� a mi suegra a la garganta y la degoll�. Muri� al instante".

"�Qu� pena! Oye, �y tu suegra ten�a tantos admiradores que la casa est� llena de hombres?"

"�No, son vecinos que se enteraron de lo que pas� y vienen a comprarme el perro!"

Mildred and Earl

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Figouee Tribe

Have you herd of the Figouee Tribe?

They are about four foot people and they live in about 6 feet high grass and they jump up and down all day saying:

Where the Figouee?Where the Figouee?

Partner takes vacation

Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!

Estaba una muchacha en una

Estaba una muchacha en una fiesta y se le acerca un mesero a ofrecerle m�s whisky:

"Madame, �gusta otra copa de whisky?"

"No, gracias, me hace da�o para las piernas".

"�Se le entumen?"

"�No, se me abren!"

List of Short Books

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman 3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 4) Career Opportunities for History Majors 5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II 6) Detroit - A Travel Guide 7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 9) Easy UNIX 10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance 11) Everything Men Know About Women 12) French Hospitality 13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years 14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 18) Popular Lawyers 19) Staple Your Way to Success 20) The Amish Phone Book

Screwed

An explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.

Realizing the gravity of his situation, he mutters, �Oh, God, I�m screwed.�

Suddenly, the sky darkens and a voice booms, �No, you are not screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.�

So the explorer grabs the stone and bashes the life out of the chief.

Standing above the limp body and panting with exhaustion, the man looks out defiantly at the troop of cannibals, who are now yabbering furiously among themselves and sharpening their spears menacingly.

Then the voice from heaven booms again, �There . . . now you�re screwed.�

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Angustiado, un anciano acude al

Angustiado, un anciano acude al m�dico:

"Doctor, f�jese que mi pene ya no funciona ni con Viagra. �Qu� me recomienda?"

"Mire, ahora hay una operaci�n muy buena para eso".

"Ah, s�, doctor �y cu�l es esa operaci�n?"

"En el argot m�dico se conoce como la operaci�n jarocha: le cortamos el pene y le ponemos panocha".

Outlived them all

The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant.

"I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.

"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.

"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Era el �ltimo d�a de

Era el �ltimo d�a de trabajo de Juan el Cartero despu�s de 35 a�os de llevar la correspondencia al mismo barrio.

Cuando llego a la primer casa de su ruta fue recibido por la familia entera quienes lo rodearon y con aplausos lo felicitaron y le dieron un regalo. En la segunda casa le regalaron una caja de cigarros finos.

En la tercer casa fue recibido en la puerta por una hermosa mujer que vest�a un revelador neglig�. Ella lo tom� de la mano y lo llev� hacia adentro, hasta la rec�mara donde le hizo el amor desenfrenadamente. Cuando �l tuvo suficiente, bajaron las escaleras y fueron a la cocina, donde ella le prepar� un gran almuerzo: Huevos con tocino, pan tostado, hot cakes, leche y jugo de naranja. Luego le puso una taza de caf� caliente. Cuando tom� la taza de caf�, se dio cuenta de que abajo hab�a un billete de un d�lar.

"No tengo palabras para describir lo maravilloso que ha sido esto," dijo el cartero, "pero �para qu� es el d�lar?"

"Bueno," dijo ella, "anoche le platique a mi esposo que hoy seria tu �ltimo d�a y que deber�amos hacer algo especial por ti. Le pregunte que podr�a darte, y �l dijo: '�A joder con �l y dale un pinche d�lar!'... y bueno, �el desayuno fue idea m�a!"

Brains Are Farts

If your brains were a fart, there wouldn't be enough to stink!

One day the Little Rascals

One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says they were
going to have a spelling bee. She calls on Spankey. "Spankey can you
spell Dictate?"

He goes "D-i-c-k-" She goes "No".

Then she goes on, "Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?"
Alfalfa says "D-i-c-t-a-e-" She goes "No".

Then she
calls on Buckwheat. "Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?"

Buckwheat says "D-i-c-t-a-t-e".

The teacher says "Very good, now can you put that in a sentence?"

Buckwheat replies "Darla how did my Dictate last night?"

Man hears a voice on the beach

A man is walking along a deserted beach, when all of a sudden he
hears a voice that commands, "Dig!"
The man stops, and looks around but he can't see anyone so he
continues to walk when the voice says again, "I said dig!"

So he gets on his knees and starts digging deep into the sand
until his hands hit something hard. He struggles for a bit but
then pulls out a treasure chest.
The voice says, "Open!" So the man opens it up and finds
hundreds of thousand of gold coins. The voice says, "To the
casino!"
So the man runs off with his money to the nearest casino, and
changes ALL of it for chips. He enters the door of the gaming
lounge when the voice says, "Russian Roulette!" It takes a
couple of minutes to find the table but he eventually got there.
He figured that the voice knew what it was doing if it had
gotten him that far already.

The worker called for new players and the voice said, "All of it
on red 36!" The man obediently put all of the chips on the
right square and watched the worker start.
The ball went round and round countless times until it finally
stopped on black 12.

The voice said, "Shit!"