Your moms so old I told her to act her age and she died.
Monday, April 29, 2013
How'd You Get Th
Jill went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex.The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed.Jill replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is just murder."
I have bad and very bad news
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Bedroom Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue.""What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk."Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
WHITNEY AND DAIVD
hello
one day david kiss whitney
lol lol lol lol
she said lets have a christmas party science
its...
march
i saw them walking like a real couple
daivd love whitney
whitney long
or
daivd hagan
lol
i love daivd
from withney
Reality is an illusion that
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com
Baking bread
Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana.
Instructions:
1 - look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 - Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 - Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but, "do not lick the bowl."
NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Holy Water
One morning a man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both
legs, and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory
to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
Three guys
Three guys walk up to a bar, the two dumb guys walk into the bar and the third guy ducked.
Bar Challenge
New guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well,
first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at
once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back
with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a
woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You got to make things right for
her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You
have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from
there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Where sat
tequila?"
He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp
and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the
people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped, and big scratches all
over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
boatin
First boat attendant: "Boat 99, come in please, your time is up." Second boat attendant: "Dont be silly Jim, we've only got eighty boats." First boat attendant: "Boat 66 are you in trouble."
Q: Why does Helen
Q: Why does Helen Keller need two hands to masturbate?
A: One to do the work and the other to moan with.
Loving the Teacher
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?""I'm in love," the boy replied.Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?""With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child.""Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
Knock KnockWho's there?Hiawatha!Hiawatha who?Hiawatha very
Knock KnockWho's there?Hiawatha!Hiawatha who?Hiawatha very bad today!
Biggest Sex Life Lie
A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn.
"Evening, boys. What are you doing?"
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell
the biggest lie about his sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I
never thought about sex at all."
The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"
Life of an egg compared to a man
If you think a guy's life is bad compare it to an egg.
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
It takes 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share a box with eleven other guys.
And the only chick to sit on your face is your mother.
Lord, forgive me...
Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do
==========================================
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police
raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer
said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me
for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said,
"No, officer; I was not gambling."
The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you
gambling?"
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No,
officer; I was not gambling."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein,
were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"
Moocow!
This gay guy walks into the bar and says,� Bartender I am gay but I would like
to stay and have a drink�.
So he replied�, Ok, you can stay if you go to the end of the bar and not mess
with anyone."
So the guy accepted and walked away.
A little while after that a big John Wayne Character walks in as says�,
Bartender, I'd Like a brew sky."
Well, the bartender gave it to him and the Character drank it in one sip.
He slammed down the mug and said�, I fell like a stud bull!" and the gay guy
said,"Mooo!"
The trouble with some women
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
(and then they marry him.)
Q: How many guitarists
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"
15 Signs Your Librarian is Nuts
15> Entire library stock replaced by 50,000 copies of "Yes, I Can" by Sammy Davis, Jr.14> Half-dozen recently-extracted tongues stapled to the "Quiet Please" sign.13> Recommends Kato Kaelin's book.12> Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.11> Library only has two sections: "Limbaugh" and "Liddy."10> Inserts boudoir photos of herself in copies of Gray's Anatomy. 9> When you ask for an appendix, she winks suggestively and shows you her scar. 8> Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the "Rod of Literary Tardiness". 7> Files Art Buchwald under "Humor" 6> Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the video store parking lot. 5> No matter what book you ask for, she hands you a piece of toast and a Q-tip. 4> Uses the "Dewer's Decimal System", which involves regular belts of scotch. 3> Instead of a simple "Shhhh", uses a bullhorn to say, "One more sound and I cap yo' ass!" 2> Flashes patrons and yells, "Hey! Check *this* out!" 1> Leans over to whisper something and bites off half of your right ear.
Knock KnockWho's there?Berlin!Berlin who?Berlin the
Knock KnockWho's there?Berlin!Berlin who?Berlin the water for my hard boiled eggs!
T-Shirt Slogans 2001
T-Shirt Slogans
1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)
2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)
3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I
Grew Up"
4. "Procrastinate Now."
5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."
6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."
7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With
That?"
8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been
Doing Since 15."
10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."
11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."
12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the
software."
13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."
14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."
15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."
18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."
19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already
taken."
20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."
21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go
on."
23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a
thousand times the memory."
26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through
with it."
27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime
ommitment for a pig."
29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."
34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."
35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup
team."
38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy,
why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He
thought he was God, and I didn't."
An Egyptian man is walking...
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, 20?"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
Top 22 Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's
22. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car21. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses20. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's homepage to you bookmarks19. You have a ''to do list'' that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off18. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents17. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains16. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow15. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical14. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet13. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes12. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don't even exist any more11. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their profits10. You get all excited when it's Saturday and you can wear sweats to work 9. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables 8. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living 7. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week 6. You think that ''progressing an action plan'' and ''calendarizing a project'' are acceptable English phrases 5. You know the people at the airport hotels better than you know your next door neighbors 4. You ask your friends to ''think out of the box'' when making Friday night plans. 3. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix. 2. You think a ''half-day'' means leaving at 5 o'clock1. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person
You have so many dogs in yo family
You have so many dogs in your family i don`t
know which ones your mum!!!
Big chess tournament
The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out. The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy. The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Un tipo va visitar a
Un tipo va visitar a un amigo y al llegar encuentra una multitud de gente en la casa.
"� Qu� pasa, Gregorio?"
"Muri� mi suegra".
"�C�mo fue?"
"Tengo un perro Pitbull Terrier, y en un descuido se le lanz� a mi suegra a la garganta y la degoll�. Muri� al instante".
"�Qu� pena! Oye, �y tu suegra ten�a tantos admiradores que la casa est� llena de hombres?"
"�No, son vecinos que se enteraron de lo que pas� y vienen a comprarme el perro!"
The dumb blonde and her used car!
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Q: How many body
Q: How many body builders/weightlifters does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: Four. One to change the lightbulb. One to spot. The other two to stand and yell support (Come on! You can do it! etc...) But they only get three attempts.
Cross eyed law
The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and he said to the first one, "so how do you plead?",
"Not guilty" said the second defendant.
"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.
"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.
Mildred and Earl
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
Figouee Tribe
Have you herd of the Figouee Tribe?
They are about four foot people and they live in about 6 feet high grass and they jump up and down all day saying:
Where the Figouee?Where the Figouee?
Texas Heat
You know that you are in Texas when:
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that in July it takes only two fingers to drive
your car.
You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am before
work.
No one would dream of not having air conditioning.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is: 'What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have
lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying hardboiled eggs.
Cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
A sad Texan prayed once: 'I wish it would rain - not so much for
me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old.'
Q: How many senior
Q: How many senior citizens does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: One, but she pays a telemarketer $2000 for the new bulb.
The Top 14 Signs Your Cat Has "Mad Cat Disease"
14> By sharpening his claws on the chair leg, he's carved a pretty good likeness of Joaquin Phoenix.
13> Recent hairballs include alarmingly large chunks of postman.
12> "I'm not Fluffy anymore; call me Muhammad al Fluf-Rahim."
11> Catches mice, only to keep them as pets.
10> Starts sending you parts of the dog through the mail.
9> Created a bunker in his litter box.
8> Stacks his hairballs into the shape of Devil's Tower, Wyoming.
7> Has bet it all on the Cubs winning the series this year.
6> That slight "off" smell before it hits the wok.
5> Can't stop purring "Helter Skelter."
4> Now kills mice by sending them through your wood chipper.
3> While cleaning the litter box, you find the bodies of several drifters.
2> Goes on long rants about how the country is really controlled by Jewish dogs.
1> He just coughed up a brainball.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
Baby in the cab
A man come into the ER yelling, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress,
and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that
there are several cabs lined up, and it's obvious that he's in the wrong one.
Partner takes vacation
Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation9. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his relationship troubles.2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
Not Too Bright...
- Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
- She's from the shallow end of the gene pool.
- A room temperature IQ.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
- A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Nearly as bright as a one celled organism.
- Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- He's so dense, light bends around him.
- If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
- If you stand close enough to her, you can hear the ocean.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but she just gargled.
- Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes".
- Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
- Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
U might be a redneck.
u might be a redneck if u have ever compared the size of your wiener with your dogs.
u might be a redneck if you have a cobard full of sauce packets form fast food restaurants.
u might be a redneck if u are married to your cousin and didnt know it.
you might be a redneck if u got your computer at a yard sale.
you might be a redneck if u hold your beer between your legs while driving.
you might be a redneck if u are still being breast fed.
you might be a redneck if u have a singing frog in every room.
you might be a redneck if when u kill a deer u say "whew i never fought that hard before."
you might be a redneck if u have a dish washer and still wash dishes in your sink.
you might be a redneck if your front door is card board.
you might be a redneck if u go to las vegas with a grand and come back with nothing.
you might be a redneck if you 30 and still living in your parents basement.
you might be a redneck if you are changing a electrical wire and you say "stand back and watch the sparks fly."
you might be a redneck if your family car is your tractor.
Estaba una muchacha en una
Estaba una muchacha en una fiesta y se le acerca un mesero a ofrecerle m�s whisky:
"Madame, �gusta otra copa de whisky?"
"No, gracias, me hace da�o para las piernas".
"�Se le entumen?"
"�No, se me abren!"
What Are They Thinking
At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?The answer is below, but think about it first...?????????????????????????????????Answer: Don't look down.
Making Toast
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on the MacToaster.
If The NeXT Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters... Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of yourauthentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least for a couple of years.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. You would be able to buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters... They would not be available in stores, and you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.
If Wang made toasters Marketing would never agree upon what customers really want or need in a toaster so millions of dollars would be spent in development and the toaster would be several years late. Just after release Wang would buy another company whose toaster ran on NT but would find that they got more orders for the original.
List of Short Books
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies 2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman 3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean 4) Career Opportunities for History Majors 5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II 6) Detroit - A Travel Guide 7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob" 8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches 9) Easy UNIX 10) Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance 11) Everything Men Know About Women 12) French Hospitality 13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years 14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel 15) Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette 17) Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA 18) Popular Lawyers 19) Staple Your Way to Success 20) The Amish Phone Book
Career Choice
After a very successful career, a former Human Relations guru found herself at the pearly gates.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you, so what we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
With that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and went down to hell. The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club, and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with - and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up, kissed her and talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf, and at night went to the country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil, who was
actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a
great time, and before she knew it, her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her and asked her to choose.
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate
lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now, all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday, we were recruiting you, today you're staff."
Screwed
An explorer in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a group of cannibals.
Realizing the gravity of his situation, he mutters, �Oh, God, I�m screwed.�
Suddenly, the sky darkens and a voice booms, �No, you are not screwed. Pick up the stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.�
So the explorer grabs the stone and bashes the life out of the chief.
Standing above the limp body and panting with exhaustion, the man looks out defiantly at the troop of cannibals, who are now yabbering furiously among themselves and sharpening their spears menacingly.
Then the voice from heaven booms again, �There . . . now you�re screwed.�
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Dog with no nose.
Lindsey:Are dog has no nose
Susie:Poor Dog,How does he smell
Lindsey:Awww,Terrible.
Seafood
Even if you hate seafood you can go on a seafood diet..... so whenever you see food you eat it!!
Angustiado, un anciano acude al
Angustiado, un anciano acude al m�dico:
"Doctor, f�jese que mi pene ya no funciona ni con Viagra. �Qu� me recomienda?"
"Mire, ahora hay una operaci�n muy buena para eso".
"Ah, s�, doctor �y cu�l es esa operaci�n?"
"En el argot m�dico se conoce como la operaci�n jarocha: le cortamos el pene y le ponemos panocha".
Clinton's Genitalia
Have you ever wondered why Bill Clinton's penis is bent?
Clinton's penis is not bent, it's straight. It just looks bent, because the rest of him is so crooked.
Outlived them all
The new minister was talking to the oldest inhabitant.
"I am 97 years old, sir, and I haven't an enemy in the world," said the aged one.
"That is a beautiful thought," said the clergyman approvingly.
"Yes sir," was the answer. "I'm thankful to say that I've outlived them all!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Don't Ask . . . Don't Tell . . .
The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies, "Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied, "And do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
She giggles and says, "Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, "Mission Accomplished."
Confused Child in Wedding Party
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he
would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's
side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like
claws and roar. So it went, step, step, �ROAR,� step, step, �ROAR,� all the way
down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so
hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the
Ring Bear."
Train
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out, with a glint in his eye, and says "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Clark Kent
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why...
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
- Dave Edison
Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry...
- Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry
- Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Avoiding the Crowds
It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he
asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you
doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," he replied.
Era el �ltimo d�a de
Era el �ltimo d�a de trabajo de Juan el Cartero despu�s de 35 a�os de llevar la correspondencia al mismo barrio.
Cuando llego a la primer casa de su ruta fue recibido por la familia entera quienes lo rodearon y con aplausos lo felicitaron y le dieron un regalo. En la segunda casa le regalaron una caja de cigarros finos.
En la tercer casa fue recibido en la puerta por una hermosa mujer que vest�a un revelador neglig�. Ella lo tom� de la mano y lo llev� hacia adentro, hasta la rec�mara donde le hizo el amor desenfrenadamente. Cuando �l tuvo suficiente, bajaron las escaleras y fueron a la cocina, donde ella le prepar� un gran almuerzo: Huevos con tocino, pan tostado, hot cakes, leche y jugo de naranja. Luego le puso una taza de caf� caliente. Cuando tom� la taza de caf�, se dio cuenta de que abajo hab�a un billete de un d�lar.
"No tengo palabras para describir lo maravilloso que ha sido esto," dijo el cartero, "pero �para qu� es el d�lar?"
"Bueno," dijo ella, "anoche le platique a mi esposo que hoy seria tu �ltimo d�a y que deber�amos hacer algo especial por ti. Le pregunte que podr�a darte, y �l dijo: '�A joder con �l y dale un pinche d�lar!'... y bueno, �el desayuno fue idea m�a!"
A boy writes home hinting that he needs money
Dear Father,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply �an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love,Your $on. After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.Love,Dad
Power Of Observation
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."
He asked a nurse to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..."
By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger.
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "you have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation."
We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing.
"You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps!"
Desert Isle
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleave and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man , oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?
"He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've has some REAL fun?"
And the mans replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Saturday, April 27, 2013
The Farmer's Prize Goat
Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.
He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole. Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound. So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.
The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.
He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.
He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him, "How deep is this hole?" The farmer said, "Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends. Say, have you seen my prize goat?"
The man, not wanting to get the blame, said, "No." The farmer said, "Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam."
A trip to the Doctor
One day my friend told me that his uvula(the little flap of skin
hanging down in front of your throat) was hurting, and he needed
to go see a doctor. Now, he was trying to impress her, and so he
asked me for the scientific name for it. I told him, and off he
went. He came back over to my house a few hours later, with a
face redder than a fire truck. Apparently, when the doctor asked
him what was wrong, he replied that his vulva was sore.
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to
the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual
lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs. Immediately
all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each
other's shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight
was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one
who could see in the window. It was his duty to inform the other
dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her
blouse!" and this as echoed down the stack "taking off her
blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off,"
"taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was
followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off
her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her
bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down
the dwarf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw
someone coming through the woods so he yelled, "Someone's
coming!" And from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard,
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
Michael Jackson joke
What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?
They both have boys pants half off.
Pasteurized
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and curtis
Santa in Ethiopia
Once Santa Claus went to Ethiopia, to give the children some words of confort.
He was there, with all those bony kids all around, and then they started yelling: "WE WANT TOYS!! WE WANT TOYS!!!"
But then Santa, remembering his important job of orientating children to behave well, said: "A child who doesn't eat right doesn't get toys!!!"
One day the Little Rascals
One day the Little Rascals were in class and the teacher says they were
going to have a spelling bee. She calls on Spankey. "Spankey can you
spell Dictate?"
He goes "D-i-c-k-" She goes "No".
Then she goes on, "Alfalfa can you spell Dictate?"
Alfalfa says "D-i-c-t-a-e-" She goes "No".
Then she
calls on Buckwheat. "Buckwheat can you spell Dictate?"
Buckwheat says "D-i-c-t-a-t-e".
The teacher says "Very good, now can you put that in a sentence?"
Buckwheat replies "Darla how did my Dictate last night?"
Daily Timings
10:00 Wake up
10:02 Oral sex
10:10 Big breakfast
11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 Enormous lunch
3:15 Oral sex
3:25 Play sports with the guys
4:30 Drink beer with the guys
6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 Oral sex
6:50 Huge dinner, more beer
11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex
11:10 Sleep
A-fishin' We Will Go...
Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's.
They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.
(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)
Man hears a voice on the beach
A man is walking along a deserted beach, when all of a sudden he
hears a voice that commands, "Dig!"
The man stops, and looks around but he can't see anyone so he
continues to walk when the voice says again, "I said dig!"
So he gets on his knees and starts digging deep into the sand
until his hands hit something hard. He struggles for a bit but
then pulls out a treasure chest.
The voice says, "Open!" So the man opens it up and finds
hundreds of thousand of gold coins. The voice says, "To the
casino!"
So the man runs off with his money to the nearest casino, and
changes ALL of it for chips. He enters the door of the gaming
lounge when the voice says, "Russian Roulette!" It takes a
couple of minutes to find the table but he eventually got there.
He figured that the voice knew what it was doing if it had
gotten him that far already.
The worker called for new players and the voice said, "All of it
on red 36!" The man obediently put all of the chips on the
right square and watched the worker start.
The ball went round and round countless times until it finally
stopped on black 12.
The voice said, "Shit!"
Can you tell?
How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says, "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says, "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Slightly Used Car
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten dollars. A man
answered the ad, but he was slightly disbelieving. ''What's the gimmick?'' he
inquired.
''No gimmick,'' the woman answered. ''My husband died, and in his will he
asked that the car be sold and the money go to his secretary.''
Rednecks & Tornados
What do Rednecks and tornados have in common? Answer: Sooner or later, they both end up in trailer parks.....
You take a fishing pole
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Another Dog With No Legs
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It don't matter what you call him, he ain't commin'!
Deadly Vices
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Knock KnockWho's there?Dozen!Dozen who?Dozen anyone
Knock KnockWho's there?Dozen!Dozen who?Dozen anyone ever answer the door!
Beech
Micheal jackson was walking on the beech and walked in front of a lady and she yelled hey get out of my son.
Fast food
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to
place our order.
There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I
HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here."
Olympic Games
Three naturalized American citizens were standing outside the stadium where the Olympics were being held bemoaning the fact that none of them could afford a ticket.
All three wanted SO much to be able to see the athletes from their native lands compete.
They watched as the competitors entered through a special back gate by giving the guard their country and event.
One of the three friends looked around and found a length of pipe lying on the ground.
He hefted it to his shoulder, walked to the gate and told the guard "England. High jump." And the guard let him in!
"That's fantastic!" cried the second friend. He looked around, picked up a manhole cover, and headed for the special gate. "Russia. Discus," he told the guard, and in he went.
"Amazing" said the third friend, who by now was frantically searching around. But all he could find was some barbed wire. He grabbed it, rand to the gate, and announced "Poland. Fencing."
Blow
what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!
M&M Factory
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s!
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
Un borracho va a un
Un borracho va a un bar, pide una cerveza y sale afuera a tom�rsela. Como no ten�a dinero para pagar, se echa un pis en la botella simulando no haber tomado nada. Termina y la deja en el mostrador.
Al cabo de un rato llega un hombre y pide una cerveza, y el mozo le trae la botella que dej� el borracho.
Pasa un rato y el hombre llama al mozo y le dice: "Por qu� no me traes un sandwich de mierda y la hacemos completa?"
His Last Wishes
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for anice funeral 'I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'"
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said...
"So, do you like my stone?" showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.
Bottom Start
Dad: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
Son: But I want to learn to swim?
Last years gift
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still� haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Medical Appointment
While undressing for bed one night, ol' Bill notices something like a red rash
around his penis.
Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of
getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.
"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know. What is it, and
how do I get rid of it?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills
for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try
something else."
Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still
there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't
help.
So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him
the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.
Bill takes the capsules for a week, and damn, the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"
The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a
week, and let me know.
Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That
stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"
The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".
Ride 'em Cowboy!
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.
"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.
"I can do that!" Ed said confidently.
"No you can't," said Ted.
"I sure as hell can!" said Ed.
"You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster," said Ted.
"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.
He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that!?" Ted asked.
"Remember three months ago," Ed said...
"When my wife had whooping cough...?"
A Miracle
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Will u remember me?
Me: Will u remember me in a second?
Somebody else: Yes
Me: Will u remember me in a minute?
Somebody else: Yes
Me: Will u remember me in a hour?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Will u remember me in a month?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Will u remember me in a year?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Another year?
Somebody else: yes
Me: Knock, knock
Somebody else: Whos there?
Me: Horseridertiff
And then somebody else says: Horseridertiff who?
Then me says: I thought u would remember me!
***************************************************************************************************************
Because u said will u remember me in a minute and the rest of the stuff.
Buying arsenic
A pharmacist tells a customer. In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.
Friday, April 26, 2013
What's the difference between Bill
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Orgasm pill
Have you heard about the new orgasm pill just approved by the FDA for women?
It comes with a 16 inch applicator.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
God Grants Wishes
A small coach carrying ten passengers falls off of a cliff killing everyone. Their soles all rise up to heaven and God is waiting at the gates.
He says to them that he is extremely sorry for what happened and none of them were supposed to die yet. God then said he will send them all back to earth granting each person one wish.
The first person steps up and wishes to be a millionaire, suddenly there is a loud laugh from the back of line.
The second comes up and wishes to marry a beautiful women. Again their is a loud laugh from the back of the line.
The rest continue to make wishes until the last person comes up. God then tells him: "Alright Mr. Laughter, whats your wish?"
The man tells him that his wish is to reverse the rest of the wishes.
Rodney in Bar
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me
and one for my best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do you want me to wait until
your buddy arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket
here." With that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can drink that much?" "Oh,
sure. He can drink it all, and then some�, the man retorted. So the bartender
poured the two shots.
Sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar
and says, "Hey, Algo fetch that quarter�. The little guy runs down to the end
of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back down and gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's amazing," he says,
"what else can he do? Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and
squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were in down
in Africa on safari and you insulted that witch doctor!"
Despu�s de efectuado el despegue,
Despu�s de efectuado el despegue, el piloto del avi�n se dirige a los pasajeros por el altavoz:
"Estimados pasajeros: Bienvenidos al vuelo 888 con destino a la ciudad de Par�s, nuestro tiempo estimado de vuelo es de 14 horas con 50 minutos, les recordamos que este es un vuelo de no fumar, por favor mantengan sus cinturones abrochados... etc."
Al terminar el rollo de siempre, olvida apagar el micr�fono y empieza a decirle a su copiloto:
"�Ahora s�, cabr�n, nada m�s pongo el piloto autom�tico, me echo un cague, y luego me cojo a la azafata!"
Al notar que todos los pasajeros escuchan el comentario, la azafata sale corriendo para avisarle al capit�n que apague el micr�fono, cuando una anciana sentada junto al pasillo le pone tremendo bastonazo y la tumba al suelo. La aeromoza, desconcertada, voltea a ver a la viejita, quien le advierte:
"�Quieta, piruja! Primero d�jalo que cague".
New experiences broaded. . . Some
Two dumb guys were taking their first train trip. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, 'I wouldn't eat that if I were you.''Why not?''I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.'
Bastard in Family
For 3 years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learnt you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
Stabbed
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the
man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can
you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematical logician dealing in the nature of proof."
"Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take
them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one.
So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my
forms for another card. And got back in line for my card."
"And?" said the judge.
"And he asked 'Can you prove you are from New York City?' ...So I stabbed
him."
Choking
One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, ��my son's choking! He
swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!''
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced
at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all,
wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads and squeezed. Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
''Thank you! Thank you!'' the father cried. ''Are you a paramedic?''
''No,'' replied the man, ''I work for the IRS."
First Time Football Game
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won
tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game
before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity
for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy
expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth
struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then
came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge
nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
I think animal testing is
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous
and give the wrong answers.
Lauren Joke by Amy
One night a group of middle aged women decided they would sit around, watch movies and drink.
As they sat there trying to decide what they wanted, they came to the choice of getting six packs each.
The only woman that seemed like she had a problem was the airhead blonde.
Trying to figure out what the problem was, one of the girlfriends asked,"Whats the problem? You think you need more?"
The blonde replied,"I dont know. How many beers are in a six pack?"
Lawyer at the Pearly Gates.
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter - "Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!"
A well regulated militia, being necessary...
A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a
free state,
the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be
infringed.
- The Constitution of the United States of America
Amendment 2, 1791
Politics - American Style
- So many of our politicians want to be known as miracle workers -- it IS a miracle when they work. But that's not entirely fair. Most do put in a good day's work -- every week.
- And look at Clinton, personally responsible for a resurgence of religion in America. Never has the phrase, "Oh my Dear God !!!" been heard from so many, and so often, since he took office.
- And y'all wonder how these guys get caught in so many scandals ? Hell, haven't you ever heard the expression 'exercise discretion' ? Politicians think it involves some kind of physical effort.
- For those not in the US, we can watch a lot of the proceedings on TV now. In fact, that's how I stay so slim. I tune in often and just let my flesh crawl.
- As for all these campaign contribution charges and counter-charges, it just proves once again that the United States currently has the very best President and Vice-President that money can buy.
- People outside the US often wonder how you become a Republican. Well, two ways generally, most are because their Fathers were before them; others are because their Fathers were Democrats.
- Congress polices itself though. One representative banked five times his salary in just two years. He's currently being investigated to see what in the world took him so long.
Low Bridge Ahead
A truck driver was driving along and passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car. He walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No officer. I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"
Whatcha doin?
What does a woman's asshole do during orgasm?
He's usually on the couch in the living room watching TV.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
Congratulate Me!
A woman is in the shower. Suddenly the doorbell rang. She puts
on her bathrobe and goes to answer it. A doctor is their.
"Congratulate me!" he says. "I just got a letter saying I'm a
great doctor. The lady slammed the door in his face and goes
back to the shower. The doorbell rang. It was a college
student. "Congratulate me." he said. "I just got my diploma."
She slammed the door in his face. She goes back into the
shower. Knowing that the only guy left on her blockis the blind
man, she doesn't bother to put on her bathrobe. She goes to the
door and sees the blind man. "Congratulate me." he said. "I
just got my eyesight back!"
Little Worm
There was a little girl and a little boy. They done everything together and then one day the little girl saw the little boy naked. She asked whats that big, long, dangly thing? and the boy replied thats my worm.
Then one night they were in the bath together and the little girl asked can i play with your worm and the little boy said NO.
Then the next morning the little boy woke up in pain and saw his worm was broken. He asked the little girl if she knew wat happened and she said, Yes i do. I was playing with your worm and then it spat at me, so i broke snaped it.
Dos semanas despu�s de comenzadas
Dos semanas despu�s de comenzadas las clases, Anastasio, un estudiante latinoamericano, llega a un sal�n en la Universidad de Massachusetts. Se presenta con el catedr�tico; le explica su tardanza y �ste le permite pasar.
"Empecemos", dice el profesor, "revisemos un poco de historia de EE.UU. �Qui�n dijo la frase: Denme libertad, o denme la muerte?"
Un mar de caras sin sustancia se le puso enfrente, excepto la de Anastasio, quien ten�a la mano levantada:
"Patrick Henry, 1775", dijo en ingl�s.
Continu� el maestro:
"�Qui�n pronunci� la frase: Un gobierno del pueblo, por el pueblo y para el pueblo no perecer� de la tierra?"
Nuevamente Anastasio, con la mano en alto, responde:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
El educador pierde compostura y rega�a a toda la clase:
"Les deber�a dar verg�enza que este muchacho, que es reci�n llegado a nuestro pa�s, sepa m�s que ustedes".
El maestro se vuelve hacia el pizarr�n para escribir la siguiente pregunta, cuando escucha a un estudiante susurrar:
"�Malditos latinos!"
"�Qui�n dijo eso?", pregunta, molesto, el profesor.
"Primer Movimiento Raza Blanca, 1985", contesta Anastasio.
Otro estudiante, ya molesto y apabullado por la superioridad de conocimientos de Anastasio, anuncia desde el fondo:
"Voy a vomitar".
"�Qui�n dijo eso?", inquiere, nuevamente, el maestro.
"George Bush al Primer Ministro japon�s, 1991", indica, otra vez, Anastasio.
Ahora, ya verdaderamente irritado, un tercer estudiante le grita a Anastasio:
"�Eh, m�mame el pito!"
"�Qui�n fue el que dijo eso?", pregunta, furibundo, el mentor.
"Bill Clinton a Monica Lewinsky, 1998", afirma Anastasio.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF C(at)HRISTMAS
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMASOn the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me........ A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies. On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me........ On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers. On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me........ 13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know the was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs? 7.50 plus tax. On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me........ A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head? Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99 On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me........ The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall! On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me........ The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1 each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel. On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me........ The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax. On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me........ Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly: 79 cents. On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me........ My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key. Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still don't know what happened to the listings of B through H. On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me........ The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, 'It's a Wonderful Life.' Rental of 'It's a Wonderful Life': $2; purchase of book, 'Good owners, great cats': $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania. On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me........ The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: 'Your first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?' Cost: Christmas Dinner. On the 12th day of Christmas........ Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
Blondes and Beer Bottles
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!:)
Class Picture
A teacher had been after her pupils to bring in their 2 dollars for the class picture.
Upset over the tardiness, one day she got up in front of the class and said, "Class, think how much you're going to treasure this picture 25 years from now. You will pull it out and say, 'There's my friend, Julie. She's a lawyer now. There's my friend Robert. He's a doctor'"
Then a voice from the back of the room interrupted, "And there's my teacher. She's dead."
George Michael's new gig
George Michael bought a dry-cleaners shop, he put a sign out the frontsaying "drop your pants and jacket off here"
Jack the ripper
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Sign in hotels
Signs from hotels and from around the world:
In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Bangkok drycleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension.
In a Yugoslav hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor's shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.
The year 2031, New York
The year was 2031.
A young boy and his father were walking through Central Park in
New York City. The little boy stated what large buildings there
were everywhere.
The father pointed above the tree tops and stated "30 years ago,
the World Trade Center stood tall and proud"
The little boy asked what the World Trade Center was. The father
explained it was two large buildings that held 50,000 employee's
that worked very hard.
"What happend to them,Daddy?" The boy asked.
"Well, some Arabs crashed planes into them, and they got
destroyed!"
The boy looking in amazement and curiosity, asked "Dad, whats an
Arab?"
Blonde AND Polish!
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.
The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her.
"I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition.
You have to have sex with me when I ask."
She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.
So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.
Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"
Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!"
"No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Chicken and the Egg
So, the chicken and the egg were in bed, the chicken is sitting up, smoking a cigarette, and says "Well, I guess that answers THAT question!!!"
Run With Us
One fine day Mister Rabbit goes running around the forest.
He sees a giraffe rolling a joint. "Giraffe, giraffe! Why do you do drugs? Come run with me instead!"
So the giraffe stops rolling his joint and runs with the rabbit.
Then they come across an elephant doing lines. Says the rabbit: "Elephant, elephant, why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead."
So the elephant stops and goes running with the two. Then they come across a lion preparing a syringe. "Lion, lion," cries the rabbit, "Why do you do drugs? Come run with us instead."
The lion, with a mighty roar, bangs the rabbit to smithereens.
"No!" the giraffe and the elephant cry. "Why did you do that? All he was trying to do was to help you out!"
The lion replied, "Damn rabbit always makes me run around the friggin' forest when he's on speed!"
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Speech Impediment
Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves".
I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.
George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"
Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
In or out?
One day a mom was exasperated with her young son's antics.
She snapped at him saying, "How do you ever expect to get into heaven?"
"Well," fidgeted the little boy after some thought. "I'll run in and out, and keep slamming the door till they say 'Come in or stay out!' and then I'll go in."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Michael and Lisa Marie's baby
Right after Lisa Marie had Michael Jackson's baby, they went to see her gynecologist. After the baby's exam, Michael asked the doctor, "Doctor, how long will it be before we can have sex?" The doctor replied, "Well, Michael, you probably ought to wait until he's at least 10 or 11."
French happiness
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and
no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."
Unlit match
A college friend was going to meet a young lady he new.
"An old flame? I asked.
He winked and said, "More like an unlit match."
Gather at the river
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"
Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"
Great lines from job evaluations!
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a
won�t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever
foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn�t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He�s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It�s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity.
Swimming race!!!
There is three girls in a 1000metre swimming race one Blonde swims 500metres and saids i am too tired i have to go back!!!
Clinton, Dole and Perot on AF-1
Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says "I'm going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy."
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, "If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy."
Of course Clinton doesn't want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, "I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier."
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think I'll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."
The hardest thing in life
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
A Jew, a Catholic and
A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell.
Satan came out, and looked them over.
"Why are you here?" he asked the Jew. "I ate pork," the Jew admitted.
"Okay, come on in," replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.
"What are you doing here?" Satan asked the Catholic. "I ate meat on Friday
long before His Holiness said it was okay," the Catholic answered. "Well,
then, come in," Satan said.
Then he looked at the Episcopalian. "Why on earth are you down here?"
Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered,
"I used the wrong fork."
Corruption Trial
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness.
"Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
The prosecutor again blared, "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Submitted by Curtis
Taking it literally
A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal
finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar.
A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?"
The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal."
And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and
looks up the word 'panda.'
"What's it say?" asks the bartender.
The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves�.
Bright People at WalMart
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.
The clerk asked for her driver's license.
She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!"
A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.
Penguin Car Trouble
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal.""No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
You're gonna croak!
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.
The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."
The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"
She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.
She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.
Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.
Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.
She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!...
You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!
Bad News and Good News
Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. "I'm sorry dear," said John, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."
Jill replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."
"OK darling," said John, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."
"Okay," agreed Jill. "Well, the air bag works...bye!"
Terrorism
I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, politicians, and the news media.
They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming weeks and months. What a joke! You have a better chance of getting killed on Interstate 35E than by a terrorist.
Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants to go with it. If he did, he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave.
He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain.
Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lime disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years.
What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague, armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats and skunks carry rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins. Ho hum.
They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have never pulled in behind a cattle truck while its raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two cowboys after they have just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red Beans.
Texas ain't for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say "Don't mess with Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Not me!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Superman?
This business man goes up to a bar, located at the top of The Empire State
Building in New York. It looks like a nice Place. He takes a seat at the bar
next to another guy.
"This is a really a nice place. I've never been here before," The first guy
says.
"Oh really?� the other replies, "it's also a very special Bar".
"Why is that?� the first guy asks.
"Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an, Original Van Gogh.
And this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!� the first guy says.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, the fourth One from the
right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out
you'll fall only about 50 feet before an updraft catches you and you're pushed
back up."
"No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the window,
followed closely by the first man. He Opens the window, climbs up on the sill,
and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, come to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and floats back in through the window.
"See, its fun! You should try it", he says.
"Try it; I don't even believe I saw it!� the first man
Exclaims.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the window
again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet. Once again, he comes to a
stop, and whoosh! He sails right Back up and floats safely through the window.
"Give it a try, it's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, it does look like fun. I believe I will Give it a try",
the first man says. He climbs up on the Window sill and proceeds to fall out
the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50... 60...
70...80...90...100 feet, and splat! He ends up on the sidewalk.
After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes
the window and heads back to the bar. As he sits down and orders another drink.
The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a
real jerk when you're drunk!"
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